the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Your penis caused this!
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
