I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
