Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Randomize
