Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
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