ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
My dick has a subreddit
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
