remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
