I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
