either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Randomize
