actually, I'm a sock model
I want to stick my p in your. b.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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