Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
