When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
