a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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