MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
