I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
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