how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
