You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
we're making bets on your personal life
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
