Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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