So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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