bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Vodka?
Forever.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
