I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Randomize
