I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Randomize
