Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
