Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
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