I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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