I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize
