I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Randomize
