We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
