So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
