I want to have your abortion
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
