My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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