Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Randomize