dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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