he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Randomize