Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
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