How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
