I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
