Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
A bitchslap is in order.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
