My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize