i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Randomize
