Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
