I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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