How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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