I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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