Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Randomize
