You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
