He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Randomize
