Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Randomize
