She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
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