I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
