my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
