I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
i will never coherently bang her
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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