I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
