So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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