i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
