these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
