He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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