mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize