the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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