You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
