Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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