my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize