Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
