i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Randomize
